I’ve been feeling lately like a very ambitious baby who hasn’t yet learned how to do all the things they know they want to do but can’t. I can see the goldfish crackers in front of me, and I want to eat them, but I can’t figure out how to get hand to mouth. It’s immeasurably frustrating to know exactly what you want to do, but not possessing the knowhow to do it yourself, or funds to pay someone else to do it for you. I spend the majority of my time these days working on the behind the scenes stuff here at the blog, always tweaking, and slowly learning how to do things more efficiently and faster. My to do list rivals The Iliad in length. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE doing all that behind the scenes stuff, but all of my hard work on the back end of the site comes at a price. When I’m formatting posts and fixing bugs and optimizing things, I don’t have the time to do what I came here to do, which is M A K E S T U F F. And that makes me so incredibly sad. And anxious. Sleep? What is sleep?
I get anxious because there are just not enough hours in the day to get all of my crap finished. I get anxious because Nicole is basically a rockstar who is able to provide a ton of content, and I’m scared that people are going to forget little ol’ me over here in the corner with my glue stick and pile of glitter. I wish I could show you all the crazy wonderful ideas I have going on in my head. I wish I could get the stick out of my ass and post more often, even if I’m not posting a perfect, shiny final product. I want to tap into that thing that makes people want to sign up for our mailing list because the content is awesome and they wan’t more, not because I’ve spent 234 hours tweaking an optin box designed to trick the most people into signing up. I want to do what I came here to do, and I want to stop worrying about impressing everyone, and just let go and allow myself to be real. I want to be able to support myself off of this venture without having to spew gimmicky crap in your faces, but I’m not really sure how to do that yet.
Sometimes I need to remind myself that we’re only six months old, here. We’ve come a long way in just six months, and I have to force myself to sit back and allow the feeling of accomplishment to wash over me. I struggle personally with a lot of issues – self esteem (or lack thereof), depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive tendencies, and I need to remind myself more often that what I’m doing now is REALLY INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT. I managed to crawl my way out of a pit of depression in the past year and accomplish a great number of my goals; all of you out there who struggle with mental health stuff know how gut wrenchingly hard that can be when your brain is constantly telling you to quit because you’re not good enough. I wish I could show you all of the half-baked posts I’ve written and never finished, all the photos I’m too paralyzed with fear to share. My resolution this year is simple – let go of my hang-ups, and just post. Just do it.
That being said, I need a little bit of help. Work with me here. Leave comments on a post if you enjoy it. Drop us a line if you want to collaborate (we really want to collaborate!). Send us emails, even if it’s to say, “you’re doing it wrong” because I’m the type of gal who would like to know if there’s spinach in my teeth. Click the little heart button up at the top if you enjoyed a post. All of these things are like gold to bloggers. It lets us know that you’re out there somewhere reading, and care enough to take the time to reach out. We take note of and so deeply appreciate every single social media like, comment, share and email more than you could imagine. Thank you so so much for all of your support <3